


We Should Have Eloped

by hchollym



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Humor, M/M, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-17 22:52:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2326013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hchollym/pseuds/hchollym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bilbo agreed to marry Thorin, he didn’t realize how ridiculous the rest of the company was going to be about their roles in the wedding ceremony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Should Have Eloped

**Author's Note:**

> I've been having writer's block lately, so this is just a fun little one-shot that I wrote to try and get back in the swing of things.
> 
> Comments are always lovely <3

Bilbo loved his dwarf friends. Really, he did. But sometimes, he just wanted to beat them over the head with a frying pan. Now was one such time. The Battle of the Five Armies had been won, though just barely, and everyone was safe and sound, much to Bilbo’s relief. He had felt a cold, emptiness in his chest at the thought of losing any of them, and he was so relieved by their survival that he had cried (much to his own embarrassment later). 

Thorin had apologized for the “Arkenstone Fiasco”, as he had come to call it, and the two had reconciled quickly. What Thorin had done hurt him deeply, worse than any physical wound ever could, but he knew that it wasn’t Thorin who had done it; it was his sickness. Bilbo couldn’t bring himself to blame Thorin for what he did when he wasn’t in his right mind. Not to mention that the near-death experience of the battle had made forgiveness easy on all sides, including the elves and men of Lake-town. 

Bilbo and Thorin had kissed, long and passionate, pouring every ounce of regret, forgiveness and love that they felt into it. When they pulled apart, Thorin had looked into his eyes and asked Bilbo to marry him. Poor Bilbo was so shocked that he fainted – again. Of course, when he awoke again, he instantly said yes, much to Thorin’s relief. The dwarf king had taken Bilbo’s fainting as a sign or rejection and was prepared to wallow in self-pity and brood for the rest of his life. 

After that, life continued smoothly, for the most part. Restorations were underway, and Bilbo felt more at home in Erebor than he ever had in the Shire. The dwarves were his family, and he couldn’t believe how lucky he was to be marrying Thorin. Despite his flaws, the king was nothing short of incredible, and Bilbo still felt overwhelmed by the fact that Thorin had chosen to give his heart to an average hobbit like himself. Life wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty close. 

That is, until it became time to plan for the wedding. 

As the king, Thorin was expected to have a very large, very public wedding so that all of the dwarves in the mountain could attend. While the idea was a bit daunting, Bilbo had accepted it readily enough. Hobbits were known for having large parties, and Bilbo had missed that aspect of being away from his kin. It would be nice to have such a big, festive wedding like the ones that he was used to in the Shire. 

He was saddened by the fact that no one from his family would be in attendance at the wedding, but he understood, and he consoled himself in the fact that he had so many dwarves in Erebor that cared about him. Balin was going to preside over the ceremony, and Thorin had picked Dwalin to be his best man.

Fili and Kili had protested that one of them should be his best man, since they were his nephews, but he silenced them with glares and yelling. Dwalin was his oldest and dearest friend, so it made sense that Thorin would choose him, and while Fili and Kili continued to grumble about it, they let it be, for the most part.

Which was more than could be said for Bilbo’s decisions. 

First, it was the question over Bilbo’s best man. Fili, Kili, Bofur, Bombur and Ori all argued amongst themselves, seeming to talk about Bilbo as if he wasn’t standing right in the room with them. 

“Bilbo likes me the best!” Kili boasted, but Bofur scoffed.

“Nope, lad. He definitely likes me best. I’m the only one he said goodbye when he was planning on leaving right before the cave opened up and we landed in Goblin town.” Bilbo winced as four other faces turned to look at him in horror and shock. 

“You were going to leave?”, “You didn’t say goodbye to us?!” Kili and Fili shouted at the same time, and Bilbo shrugged pathetically, shooting a glare at Bofur. 

“I changed my mind, didn’t I?” He offered. They didn’t seem completely comforted by this, but their attention was soon off the hobbit again and back on each other. 

“I should be his best man because he likes my cooking!” Bombur complained, and the argument went on much in the same way until Thorin cleared his throat. 

“Why don’t you let Bilbo choose who his best man will be?” Bilbo glared at his soon-to-be-husband as all five of the arguing dwarves looked at him expectantly. He didn’t want to hurt any of their feelings, so he did the only thing that he could think of. 

“Gandalf will be my best man,” he stated calmly. They all gaped at him as Gandalf coughed on the smoke he had just inhaled. As the dwarves glared at the wizard, he shot an amused grin at Bilbo. Thinking this was the end of it, Bilbo turned around to walk away when it started up again. 

“Fine, then I’m walking Bilbo down the aisle!” Fili proclaimed. Bilbo gaped at all of them as they began to argue about who would be the one to ‘give him away’. He rounded on Thorin in disbelief. 

“Do any of them realize that I’m not actually a bride?” He exclaimed, but Thorin merely snorted in amusement and shrugged. 

“There’s no talking them out of it once they’ve set their mind to something. You might as well accept that you are going to be walked down the aisle,” he replied, and Bilbo thought he sounded far more entertained by the whole situation than he should have been. 

Bilbo huffed in response, but he tried to remind himself that it wasn’t a big deal. These were his friends; he could do this one small – ridiculous – thing if it made them happy. Thankfully, Bilbo was not forced to choose again, as Thorin made the decision for him. 

“Fili will walk Bilbo down the aisle as my eldest heir,” he said, in a tone that left no room for argument. Kili pouted and Bombur, Bofur and Ori all scowled but otherwise remained silent as Fili beamed proudly and puffed out his chest. 

“Fine, then I get to throw his bachelor party!” Kili shouted, previous disappointment forgotten by the new and exciting idea. Bilbo was starting to feel incredibly exasperated: how many things could they possibly argue over? Before he could comment on this new development, Thorin shot the idea down quickly. 

“There’s no way in Mahal’s name that I am letting you throw the bachelor party, Kili. I actually want him to show up for our wedding,” he stated, leveling Kili with an accusing stare. Kili gave him an innocent look, but there was an unmistakable mischief in his eyes. 

Everyone else began to argue again, and it was eventually decided that Bofur would be the one to throw his bachelor party, though the hobbit wasn’t honestly sure that Bofur would be much better than Kili. Bilbo would probably still end up in a dress in Lake-town somehow. 

Still, with the matter resolved, Bilbo breathed a sigh of relief. They couldn’t possibly find anything else to argue about. Of course, he wasn’t that lucky. Much to Bilbo’s shock, it was Ori who initiated the next argument, which proved to be the most absurd one yet. 

“Okay, I get to make his dress!” The youngest dwarf proclaimed, and Bilbo spluttered. Why in Valar would they ever assume that he was going to wear a dress?! He was a male! Even worse was the fact that Dori decided to join in on this ludicrous argument, saying that he had more sewing experience than Ori. 

Thorin and Dwalin laughed loudly, both red in the face and clutching their sides. Balin and Gandalf were a little more refined, but they still chuckled lightly, and Bilbo pursed his lips in annoyance as he put his hands on his hips and glared at all of them. Unsurprisingly, he was completely ignored. 

“I give up! We should have just eloped,” he shouted, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat. Bilbo loved these dwarves, he really did, but he was fairly certain that he would be well within his rights if he decided to kill them all before the wedding.


End file.
